You forgot
While your world changed
Mine did not

I am cursed.
Cursed to death.
Cursed to suffer.
Cursed to die.
Cursed to be unhappy.

Curses, curses, curses to be a burden.
The heaviness on my back, in my heart,
and in the core of my soul.

That is why...I will never be happy
because you made sure
that the girl that once was suffered and suffered.
Everything else is just relief from the inevitable demise
and they are just there to help me forget
that my path lies in darkness and curses.

I am unable to learn.
Can't you see?
Leave me alone.
Alone in the insolating underworld
where sorrow is oppressive
and you pushed me to that edge
of the abyss where it swallows me entirely.

Isn't that right, mother?
Everything is a failure, isn't?
I pushed myself to that goal,
that end not just for you,
but for me too.

Don't push me toward the light.
I will only engulf it futher into despair,
in this lonely, defiled soul of mine
you cursed and hated so much.

This oppression
heavy

This jarring frustration
heavy

This this this ability to even breathe
heavy

The curses, the neverending
malicious
curses

Will never ceased.

You don't know me!

Pushed me, pushed me
and I'll
break

Even if you expect me to stand
I can't stand

Hate me
everything I do is a waste
of you.

Am I filth?

Don't don't don't

Such sadness
Such hopeless inside of me
and how it
stains
like the black ink
on a blank piece of paper

I hate it.

Silencing me before I can say anything
Logic equals rudenss.

Is there anything in this house that
has sympathy for me?

That gives me a break
and stop
smothering me.


I

used

to

be

proud

of my

strength

and now

I'm breaking, I'm breaking breaking

almost fall down

collapsing

into ruins

like

The Mighty Tower


London bridges falling down, falling down

London bridges falling down, falling

My dear

d   a   r   l   i   n   g

Written: August 2009

There's not a day
I have not think about you
That makes me stupid, isn't?

I imagined everyday you wake up
Made breakfast
Care for yourself
Get to work
The work hours are long
But you knew the payoff will be worth it
with your paycheck in the mail

I imagined you do this everyday
without fail
with money on your mind
and not once you have thought of me
me, the person who thought of you
everyday

Why can't we talk like we used to?
Why can't we start over and play like we used to?
What the past years were worth?

The past years are memories...
fading memories.

Ah, love,
what happened to you?
I missed you
and wondering where you are,
I love you
I remember you
even if you forgotten me.
I have no replaced the others with you
but right now
I think I should find someone
who would compliment me
and my needs.

Each day I'm with them
I realized they're there
to make me stronger
and I need them
to become to be
me
I looked at my past self and realized
I left behind cocoon
and moved forward
in my metamorphases
Not an easy transition
from a caterpillar to butterfly

you keep covering your tracks
until there is no trace of you
for me to remember you by

The cut out will
be very simple

You start at the skin
a small stroke
then a small gasp
of pain to
kill the pleasure

and you'll see red
your very own red

Let it drip a bit
blood flowed on paper

But it's all wishful thinking, isn't?
It's just a silly paper cut.

I killed Love dead
I struck a blow to it's head
All was done, all was said
I leave Love behind to rot and bled

I have always
predicted
the end
of our
times
Our wisdom
wizend like wine

What I don't expect
is that our little
death
comes too soon
too soon

Our little death
Gives me a rebirth

And though I still missed you...

Seasons will pass
and you will grow
while my heart
learns to be distant
and clear it's blurry eyes
on it's own

Did the Snow Queen's mirror broke
and a glass shard fell upon your eye
putting you under a spell
of extreme iciness to life?

Written: August 2009

Overbearing
Suffocating
Unable to breathe
Trapped
Unable to feel
Feeling too much
Aggravating
Stagnancy
Stuck between child and adult

Up in the morning
I went out for a walk
It's really lonely where I am
Without anyone to talk
I thought talking to myself is bad news
How can I cheer myself up
When I keep telling myself
that I don't miss you?

Reveal to me
My true name
For now
Nemo is my name
For I am
forever lost
Drowning ever more
into the great
sea

Daisy daisy give me your answer do
I'm half crazy over the love of you

Open my heart to a rusty knives and rusty nails,
and a bucket full of dry sand
that spilled out of the skull
broken records
creaky dolls
with holes for eyes
and hair to pull till bald
slash the dolls with hate

I'll follow you to a shadow room
to the ends of the earth
and my self is gone

Written: Jan 2009

Day after day, it felt holding all of that weight
while pressing syringe in my neck
knowing everything I done is awful.
To be reminded of this pain.
Like a cattle.
You pushed them with burning sticks.
They feel it.
They cry out.
But they're cattle.
They can easily forgive.
And they were expected to carrying out their function.
To work on the fields for the farmer
until the day they die to be made into beef
or glue or whatever.
Fate is uncertain and unexpected sometimes.

Written: Jan. 2009

"Who do you miss the most?"

Beloved.

"But that person isn't no longer person you miss in the past."

Yes, that's right.
That person changed now
due to circumstances.

And because of that, I learned
to miss that person
less.

When we seperated
and then reunited again
When I looked at that person
in the eye
I then knew
and realized we
don't recognized
each other
even though we're
one and the
same
person from before
and now
physically.

I want consolence,
but it's not what one of my
practical needs.

Didn't I say good-bye to that person
already?

They say love heals all wounds
They say love never forgets
But changes and circumstances lead me to think
This is a path full of forgetfulness and regret

"I wish you remember the time when we fell in love
and when we first met."

Though the past is recorded in my memories
and you painfully forgot
how much I love you.
I will try to never miss the past,
and the past you
but try to yearn for a brighter future
and brighter you.

"But for my future,
I learn to love another
Without you in it."

I'm sorry.

Part of me is still angry
at you even now
and that's why
my heart hurts
grieving.
But I'll try to forgive.

"I won't wait for you anymore."

It's time to spread your wings
and fly
even if it's broken
healed
and not all of the wing bones are correct
fly.

"I wish you hadn't forgotten me, but you did."

Perhaps this is the time.

I can't help
but feeling that
all good things
and times will come to an end.

It's a slow, gradual end of things.

I lie here on my bed thinking:
"When I will die?"
"When it's the next time I'll get anything I feel I deserved? Even so, I know I don't deserve it."
"When will be the next trigger that sets me off into a panic attack? And if so, what trigger it would be?"

I had many.
Maybe some could tell.
I just repressed it,
so it's hard to know the difference.
It doesn't matter in the end anyway.
Everything just dies.

Blood always flow in my veins.
I have an urge to stick a needle in my arm
and draw it out.

Because my coping skill
is starting to dry out.

Yes, my thoughts are,
"While it last, I should know that it will die."
Easier for me to let go, right?

Everything will die someday.

The end of everything of things
I want and do not want.
A sad circle.

Nothing lasts forever.

Written: April. 2009

When everything stops.
I too shall stop.
It's a dreadful silence.
As if I'm stuck inside a glass ticking box.
The clock ticks.
And when it's push come to shove?
I'll live.
But my world will not.

Written: Feb. 2008

It's been a year and you forgot.

I wonder why I remember
when you do not.

What hurts is that back then you know
you will forget.

The people we were last year
are memories
and those people
no longer
exist in the present

We are different people now.

But what hurts is that you
don't remember me
in the
present.

And I'm a tiny fish in the great wide sea
eaten by the pelican.

I remember there was a time.
A time I call hell.
In hell, there's no place to run.
It's easy to loose my mind
and found clarity when it's gone.
In hell, friends are enemies.
Enemies took away friends.
Enemies lied to me
and I make enemies of friends upon friends.
In hell, I got laughed at or ignored if I cry.
I am washed in hypocrisy and lies.

And to do virtue when it was perverted,
my soul becomes twisted with fat
and food feeds the hungry heart,
but not able to fill.
I wish you're gone,
I wish you're all dead.

Written: April 2008